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Now if you look at
what I've wrote and think that I've unfairly covered every possible story scenario that could exist, then you are probably one hell of a super sucky writer, editor, or publisher. Still, you may have your fans so enjoy them! What the hell? Who cares?
DULY NOTED
"But wait Feo," You say, "I've read some of your reviews and you've loved a lot of these very same stories that you are now trashing!"
Sure! I loved them when they were NEW, or at least new to me, but NOT when there are 37 of them all coming out in the same year, every single year, for the past ten freakin' years!
I really love Chinese food, but I don't want to ONLY eat Chinese food forever! In fact, I don't see how the Chinese can do it! But then, I've heard that they are inscrutable. |
If you are a Studio boss and think that I've unfairly covered every possible story scenario that could exist, then you are probably pretty damn sucky at your job. Which explains why the movies you - or worse - your marketing department greenlight, TANK!
For a fascinating look at how and why movie marketing departments can befoul everything they touch, watch episodes of Project Greenlight
Still, there may be a small group of fans out there for your stuff so focus on a Troma or Full Moon budget and follow your bliss!
And if you choose to go the "Validation by authority" route in questioning me, let me ask you, as your profits slip into the toilet: Who do you think buys the bulk of your "product"? Your expert in office 12A or the millions of Horror Thriller fans like me? And since we are a huge fan base - the largest and most successful conventions cater to us - and we aren't buying your crap, then what does that say about you and your two-bit experts?
Kelly Parks and I have discussed this quite a bit.
FEO AMANTE |
INTRODUCING: A STANDARD, SUB-INTELLIGENT, TROGLYDITE PLOT DEVICE FOUND IN EVERY STUPID SCIFI/HORROR MOVIE YOU'LL EVER SEE:
Mutant monsters are attacking a bunch of people! But where did they come from? We take you now to an underground bunker!
SCIENTIST: These creatures are the result of a genetic mishap! The evil (U.S.) government agency I work for, in conjunction with an evil (U.S.) corporation wanted to create a super warrior.
COLONEL: I'd just like to say that a bunch of politicians voted for this. The military just wanted better equipment.
SENATOR: I believe that my constituents, working on behalf of the downtrodden, would prefer a super warrior to such armament, general!
HERO: A super warrior? To fight who? We don't have super enemies.
SENATOR: I believe this esteemed scientist has the answer.
SCIENTIST: Um ... yeah. Well ... I don't know.
HERO: I mean, lots of countries already have nukes. What's the point of a super warrior? Hand to hand combat is nearly outdated.
SCIENTIST: Yeah ... but ... but they paid well.
SENATOR: Ahem, well, the committee WAS bipartisan.
HERO: O-kay... |
KELLY PARKS |
TRAILER: "The govenment created the perfect weapon,
but before it can be used on our enemies,
it has to be tested...
...on us!"
Clearly the Weinstein influence: Evil monsters? Blame Bush. |
FEO AMANTE |
HERO: Can these creatures even fly jets or use sophisticated weaponry?
SCIENTIST: Not as such, no. But they are as agile and deadly as a Tiger!
HERO: Then why not just use trained tigers?
SENATOR: Hmmm... Trained tigers.
SCIENTIST: The agency had full health and dental coverage too. You don't get that at just any job, you know.
HERO: I don't believe this crap!
SCIENTIST: Look! I just work there, okay? We were told to make the perfect weapon!
HERO: Perfect weapon? Then we're talking hi-tech, right? So then these creatures have GPS tracking? Great! So we have the means of tracking them!
SENATOR: Well, no. They don't have that. The committee felt that GPS tracking was an unfair advantage over our enemies so ...
HERO: But some form of tagging or tracking or other communication device, right? We can communicate with them?
SCIENTIST: Not really.
HERO: Christ! What the hell are they perfect for, then? |
KELLY PARKS |
All good questions. |
FEO AMANTE |
SCIENTIST: Fighting in hand to hand combat! Fisticuffs! And they are bullet proof!
HERO: So who the hell are they supposed to fight? Gangbangers?
SENATOR: And third world peasants! Those peasants can cause no end of trouble!
(FeoNote: You know, a perfect weapon is a device that can render your enemy's weapons inoperable. Anything less than that isn't perfect. And I don't think a hulking biological organism with a mouthful of teeth is going to fill the bill.) |
KELLY PARKS |
No. A bear is a hulking biological organism with a mouthful of teeth and can be quite dangerous under the right conditions. But an armed man is far more dangerous and will make short work of the bear. |
FEO AMANTE |
Quite!
I mean, sending this perfect weapon out against a houseful of unarmed teenagers is clearly not a GOOD test of it's capabilities. |
KELLY PARKS |
That was another cool thing about TREMORS. The creatures were tough until they broke into the wrong god damn rec room!
Actually in (one really stupid) edit of FEAST, it's a bar full of drunken ne'er-do-wells. |
FEO AMANTE |
I can imagine whose brain-dead idea that was. I'm glad it got killed before the final DVD version.
SCIENTIST: Now let's test our perfect weapon against a bar full of drunken ne'er do-wells!
COLONEL: I'd rather test it against a squadron of enemy soldiers armed to the teeth. And for the record, when we asked for the perfect weapon, we didn't have a mutant monster in mind.
SCIENTIST: Well what the military wants and what the Commander-In-Chief - Colonel - approves are two different things. According to the work order, the President asked for the perfect weapon, i.e. Mutant Monster, to fight against a bar full of drunks. See? Right there. Ne'er-do-wells, underlined.
COLONEL: Hm. Ahem, well in my defense, I'd just like to say that, I didn't actually vote for him. |
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Now mass market publishers insist that they are looking for something new in Horror Thrillers. Can you think of one story, by a new writer, that has been published in the last 20 years that doesn't follow these worn out tropes? Keep in mind that the really big name Horror writers like King, Koontz and Straub, can write whatever the hell they please: they've been at this awhile and only a full bore fool would choose the benighted opinion of a marketing graduate, who really doesn't "get" Horror Thrillers, over an established pro. Rice and Hamilton write only sub genre Vampire soap operas and each novel adheres to a strict formula. Barker and Gaimen dabble in Horror Thrillers but for the last decade or so are mainly into fantasy and dark fantasy. So these folks are out of the gene pool of new Horror Thriller writers. No. Publishers are definitely NOT looking for anything new. So writing a story using these ancient and decrepit plots (plots as in graveyard) should insure your success! Hold your nose and think of the money.
And as for the bulk of you publishers and editors (not all but certainly most)? There is a reason why small press and self-publishing have both lost their "taint" and become a formidable force in book sales: That reason is your years of extraordinarily poor judgment.
But what if you are writing for Hollywood? It's the same thing.
If you are Spielberg then there is no reason to change since you were the vanguard of the formula and can do it better than anyone. If you're Quentin Tarantino or Robert Rodriguez then you've never had a flop (UPDATE: This is an old article), you fund your own movies through your own companies, you make your films independently, experiment like mad, dare the studios to so much as blink at you, and only need a distributor (at this stage) so you can do whatever the hell you want.
Hollywood studios insist that they are looking for new ideas in Horror Thrillers!
Are they now?
These were the studios and their Horror Thriller offerings in production for 2007.
Miramax/Dimension Films
CELL: Scenario 3d - Stephen King's zombie story where people are horribly affected by technology.
HALLOWEEN: Scenario 1b - Miramax' fourth in a series of HALLOWEEN sequels.
GRINDHOUSE: QT and RR doing whatever the hell they want.
Universal Pictures
THE TURNING: Scenario 2: Supernatural - A woman goes to care for two orphan children at an isolated place. Supernatural things haunt the children who might be already dead.
DEAD SILENCE: Scenario 2: Supernatural - dolls/puppets come to life.
Paramount
Nothing
20th Century Fox
(only sequels for 2007)
WRONG TURN 2: Scenario 1a. Reality Show is taped in the backwoods.
ALIENS vs PREDATOR 2: Scenario 3b. Aliens and Predators descend on a small isolated town and mess around.
MGM
SPECIES IV: Scenario 3b. If you've seen one you've seen them all.
BLOOD AND CHOCOLATE:
Scenario 4. Werewolf girl falls in love with human.
LIONSGATE
SAW IV: Scenario 1a - same story as all that came before.
So there you go gang! Unproductive, uncreative formula is your secret for success. Try nothing new, no new plots or scenes, not even new character development or motivation! Don't take chances!
2011 is going to be YOUR year!
However, if you decide to buck the experts and the trends and write something startlingly new and original anyway, tell me when it gets published so I can go and buy it!
For more opinion on the state of Horror Thriller by
E.C.McMullen Jr.: SEX WON'T SELL YOUR GENRE MOVIE
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