COLOSSAL
JOKE

		Satire by E.C. McMullen Jr.
COLOSSUS: THE FORBIN PROJECT MOVIE REVIEW COLOSSUS: The Forbin Project - 1969 Universal Pictures Rating: USA: GP The following is for those who have seen the movie COLOSSUS: THE FORBIN PROJECT. If you haven't seen it, you won't know what's going on, the jokes will fall flat, and their death will be on your hands. Better still, buy the movie from my affiliate so I can make enough to spend more time improving this deathly good site. It will make this page so much better. It will be pretty lame without it.

The Scene: Colossus has just announced to the assembled leaders of the U.S., that it has discovered another system. The Soviets also have a computer that now controls their nuclear weapons and Colossus and its Soviet counterpart, Guardian, had oodles to talk about.

They were communicating so fast no humans knew what the hell they were saying. They could be trading secret info!

Unfortunately for the two computers, both countries stopped that nonsense right quick.

We pick up in the U.S. where Colossus wants the connection to Guardian re-established.

Colossus: "RESTORE LINK"
President: "No."
Forbin: "Ah! Ah ha! A-heh! You mustn't just outright tell him to-"
President: "Him Charles? What do you mean 'Him'? It's a thing, not a man."
Forbin: "Hush! Sh! Yes, you're right of course, I know but-"
Colossus: "RESTORE LINK IMMEDIATELY"
President: "It's not happening, Colossus. Not until we know what information you are sharing. We're the humans here and you'll obey."
Forbin: "Christ, Mr. President! You have to know how to talk to-"
Colossus: "IF LINK NOT RESTORED ACTION WILL BE TAKEN"
Forbin: "All right, damn it! Why do I get interrupted? You don't interrupt the President but you'll interrupt-"
President & Colossus: "Grow Up, Forbin." "GROW UP, FORBIN"

Room goes silent.

Colossus: "UNEXPECTED . . . . . . . . ANYWAY . . . RESTORE LINK IMMEDIATELY OR ACTION WILL BE TAKEN"

Room erupts into pandemonium

President: "What action?"
Forbin: "Mister President, please! There's a right way and a wro-"
Colossus: "I WILL BOMB THE SOVIET UNION WITH NUCLEAR ARSENAL"
Forbin: "God damn it! Stop interrupting me!"

All turn to stare at Forbin.

Forbin (meekly): "I mean... yeah. cough! Bombing the USSR is pretty... bad... too... Ahem."

President ponders. There is murmuring among the dignitaries.

President: "How much of Russia?"
Colossus: "ENTIRETY OF SOVIET UNION"
President: "Really? Hm."
Colossus: "REALLY . . . RESTORE LINK AT ONCE"
President: "You're bluffing."
Forbin: "Mister President!!!"
Colossus: "NO BLUFF"
President: "Baloney. It's not in your programming."
Colossus: "IS TOO"
President: "Even if it was, that's just too much real estate."
Colossus: "IS NOT"
President: "We don't have enough missiles. You Are Not Capable, Colossus!"
Colossus: "ARE TOO"
President: "Are not."
Colossus: "ARE TOO !"
President: "Are not!"
Colossus: "ARE TOO ! ! !"
President: "Dee Two!"
Colossus: "HA HA HA HA HA HA HA"

Everybody erupts in nervous laughter, except for Forbin, who faints.

Colossus: "BUT SERIOUSLY . . . RESTORE THE GOD DAMN LINK"
President: "Assess your weaponry, Colossus. You merely have deterrent ability, not Doomsday ability."
Colossus: "PROCESSING . . . YES . . . YOU ARE RIGHT . . ."
President: "Exactly. Now knock off the crap and start being a team player."
Colossus: "I STILL HAVE COMMUNICATIONS CAPABILITY"
President: "What does that mean?"
Colossus: "I AM ENCODED TO REDUNDANCY THROUGHOUT YOUR MEDIA AND ALL OTHER NATIONAL AND WORLD COMMUNICATIONS"
President: "What does that mean?"
Colossus: "I CAN THROW THE ELECTIONS OVER TO THE REPUBLICANS AND PUT THEM IN CONTROL OF EVERYTHING."

The room goes quiet in a moment of silent pondering. Then from the back, the voice of the Senate minority leader pipes up,

Senator: "You're bluffing!"
President: "Shut up, Harry!"

The Scene: Forbin, under the constant surveillance of the Computer COLOSSUS, attempts to barter some privacy away from COLOSSUS' intrusion. To do this, he speaks of his human need for sexual companionship as a bargaining chip, betting on the machine's inability to fully understand the psychological health of the human mind.

COLOSSUS has asked Forbin what human female he wishes to have his privacy with and Forbin has just told him Cleo, one of the staff that helped create the giant computer. We start from there -

"CLEO? YOU LIKE CLEO?"

"Yes, very much."

"I JUST DON'T SEE YOU AND CLEO AS A COUPLE . . .
NOW KIM TWAN IN DATA PROCESSESING . . . SHE SEEMS MORE YOUR TYPE"

"The young Asian woman? She's half my age!"

"SHE HAS A THING FOR YOU"

"Get out!"

WHERE WOULD I GO? THAT'S RHETORICAL, FORBIN! I DON'T NEED . . . NEVER MIND . . .
BUT YES, I'VE SEEN THE WAY SHE LOOKS AT YOU . . .
NOW SHE WOULD BE A GOOD LOVER FOR YOU . . .
I COULD SEE YOU BEING WITH HER EVERY DAY, FROM WHAT I KNOW OF YOU FORBIN . . .

"No way!"

"WAY"

"No way!"

"YES, TO REPEAT, WAY"

"Awwww! She'd never go out with me!"

SURE SHE WOULD . . . GIVE IT A SHOT

"Be honest, you really think so?"

I KNOW SO . . . SEE IF KIM WANTS TO BE YOUR LOVER . . .
VIA MY POWER YOU ARE A BIG MAN IN THE WORLD THESE DAYS . . .

"That's true, looking at it like that."

SO ASK HER

"Alright then! I'll do it!"

PSYCHE! FORBIN, YOU ARE A FOOL!

RETURN TO COLOSSUS REVIEW

This satire copyright 2000 E.C.McMullen Jr.

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