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Review by E.C.McMullen Jr. |
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PIRATES OF THE CARIBBEAN: Dead Men Tell No Tales- 2017USA Release: May 26, 2017 Walt Disney Pictures Rated: USA: PG-13 |
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Some actors are quite lucky, as are their agents. It's one thing to star in a movie franchise, its entirely another to star in a blockbuster successful movie franchise.
But to star in two successful blockbuster movie franchises? That, my friends, is a rarified air that few have attained. Sylvester Stallone pulled it off because he lead the creation of both Rocky and Rambo. Harrison Ford lucked into playing Han Solo in Star Wars (Burt Reynolds and Jack Nicholson turned the part down), then lucked out again when he played Indiana Jones (George Lucas wanted Tom Selleck).
Ian McKellan handily won his roles in X-MEN and THE LORD OF THE RINGS, which us brings to Orlando Bloom. Orlando had a prominent supporting actor role in THE LORD OF THE RINGS as the Elephant Elfin warrior, Legoland Legolas and in PIRATES OF THE CARIBBEAN as Will Turner.
PIRATES OF THE CARIBBEAN: THE CURSE OF THE BLACK PEARL, didn't need a sequel, but the audiences wanted one and Disney was more than happy to oblige. So two more movies were made and now they had their trilogy.
But the trilogy ended weak.
So we got a fourth sprawling epic, ON STRANGER TIDES.
That was great, no doubt. I love it. But it did have that bittersweet end between the noble Will Turner and Elizabeth Swann.
So now we begin with Will Turner and Elizabeth Swann's 12 year old son, Henry Turner (Lewis McGowan).
Loyal, loving, but foolhardy, Henry rows a dinghy out to sea one night, as he reads a parchment. We have no idea what the parchment says, but Henry tosses a weight off his boat that's tied to a rope. The other end of the rope is tied to Henry and, with a big gulp of air, he's pulled off his little boat and dragged to the bottom. Once there stays still as a sailing ship, sailing beneath the surface of the ocean, scoops him up. The ghost ship rises and breaks on the surface, and Henry can breathe again. Only he's not alone. This ship is none other than The Lost Dutchman and, though Davey Jones no longer Captains it, Henry's father, Will Turner (Orlando Bloom: THE LORD OF THE RINGS [all], PIRATES OF THE CARIBBEAN [all], NEEDLE IN A TIMESTACK, CARNIVAL ROW [TV]), is indeed its cursed prisoner.
Fans of the series will remember why.
Will is grateful for his son's love and loyalty, but his curse can't be lifted with a child's love. Will cuts the rope to return Henry to the living as the ships sinks under the surface once more.
Henry, however, has a plan, and the rest of the movie will be about the lengths he will go through and the dangers he will face to lift his Father's curse and return him home.
6 years pass and the newly minted adult Henry (now played by Brenton Thwaites: CHARGE OVER YOU, OCULUS, THE SIGNAL [2014], OFFICE UPRISING, GHOSTS OF WAR, WE BURY THE DEAD) is on a sailing ship of her majesty of England. He lives among the dregs who work in the bowels of the ship.
Henry soon gets himself into trouble when he sees that the command of the ship are steering their vessel straight into a supernatural trap. Henry, from his lowly station beseeches the haughty captains and officers to turn the vessel, but who is going to listen to a young scalliwag at the bottom of the chain of command? Henry is thrown into the brig, the trap is sprung, and here we meet the deadly corpse of Captain Salazar (Javier Bardem: EL DETECTIVE Y LA MUERTE, BETWEEN YOUR LEGS, NO COUNTRY FOR OLD MEN, AUTOMATA, MOTHER!, DUNE [ONE and TWO], MONSTERS [TV]) and his crew.
Like Barbossa and his crew in THE CURSE OF THE BLACK PEARL, they are aggressive and deadly. Also like Barbossa (Geoffrey Rush: THE HOUSE ON HAUNTED HILL [1999], PIRATES OF THE CARIBBEAN [all]), Jack Sparrow is the cause of their misery. So when Salazar and his corpse of a crew have slaughtered everyone on the ship except Henry, the Captain pauses only because he sees wanted posters of Jack Sparrow strewn about the floor at Henry's feet.
Questioned at the point of a sword and fearing for his life, Henry admits that he is searching for Jack Sparrow (Johnny Depp: A NIGHTMARE ON ELM STREET, EDWARD SCISSORHANDS, FREDDY'S DEAD: THE FINAL MIGHTMARE, THE NINTH GATE, THE ASTRONAUT'S WIFE, SLEEPY HOLLOW, PIRATES OF THE CARIBBEAN [all], CORPSE BRIDE, SWEENEY TODD, ALICE IN WONDERLAND), but only knows of him, he doesn't actually know him. That's all Salazar needs to hear. He assures Henry that his life will be spared. Salazar always spares the life of one person who can live to tell the tale of Salazar's exploits as he cannot, for Dead Men Tell No Tales.
Cool!
Then Salazar tells Henry to give Jack a message from him for when they meet.
Wait! What?
Like all of the PIRATES OF THE CARIBBEAN movies, this is a long and sprawling epic. But is it fun?
Not to fear, POTC writers Terry Rossio (LITTLE MONSTERS, THE PUPPET MASTERS, GODZILLA (1998), DEJA VU, NATIONAL TREASURE: BOOK OF SECRETS, GODZILLA VS. KONG, GODZILLA X KONG: THE NEW EMPIRE) and his writing partner Ted Elliot (same credits) can bring the sprawling pirate epic like no one else, ever! Disney, recognizing this, made them Executive Producers of the franchise since ON STRANGER TIDES.
Moreover, the Director tag team of Joachim Rønning (MALEFICENT: MISTRESS OF EVIL) and Espen Sandberg are both equal to the task of guiding such a legacy franchise.
Into this mix add Oscar winning actor, Javier Bardem, who gives the kind of performance you'd expect of an award winning actor.
For Disney, however, their star actor, Johnny Depp, was falling down a spiral. Spending what seemed to him, endless and stupid money, Depp was indulging in whatever vices suited him and was going through a long, arduous, ugly, and ridiculously public divorce.
His life was imitating the art of pretending to be Jack Sparrow, but nobody loves actors like Robert Englund because he really does kill teenagers.
Sheesh!
We love actors like Christopher Lee, Tony Todd, Keanu Reeves, and Doug Jones (to name a few), because they're really good at playing their characters, not because they are their characters (as Charlie Sheen learned the hard way).
We love the actor who plays this guy. We don't love this guy. Fuck this guy!
If you've been avoiding this movie, thinking that it might spoil the rest of the franchise for you, stop doing that. New characters like Carina Smyth (Kaya Scodelario: MOON, CLASH OF THE TITANS [2010], SHANK, THE TRUTH ABOUT EMMANUEL, THE MAZE RUNNER [all], TIGER HOUSE, CRAWL, RESIDENT EVIL: WELCOME TO RACDOON CITY) are introduced in thrilling and preposterous ways and in an epic this big, I'd rather you discover them yourself like I did, than reveal the whole ride. As always, Damsels will be distressed, swashes will be buckled, and Horrors revealed.
Whether Disney ends it here or continues the series is left to be seen, even after 8 years as of this writing, but PIRATES OF THE CARIBBEAN: DEAD MEN TELL NO TALES, is a worthy addition.
I give it 4 Shriek Girls
This review copyright 2025 E.C.McMullen Jr.
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